Age is just a number. I really don’t feel 29, or what I think 29 should feel like. I feel like I'm 23, or maybe I should compare how I feel to what society puts in our heads of what age 23 should feel like. I think it’s interesting to look back and think of when I was 23 years old (which feels like yesterday), what I thought I would be doing at age 29...engaged or married with a house, settling down. It’s all irrelevant, anyway. I do find it pretty funny though, as I recall “planning” out my adulthood when I was a teenager. I thought I would be married by age 25, buy a house around the same time and then have kids by age 28 (something like that). Little did I know then (haha)! And still don’t know…about life and what life is going to throw at me and my future. I don't need to know either, and that's something that I try to remind myself of all the time.
There’s really no way of knowing or trying to figure out what's going to happen in the future. It took some time for me to realize this as I love to plan things. I definitely had some sort of OCD in the fact that I would obsess over plans or planning out my day. I think it’s a good habit to have an agenda, but it certainly doesn’t need to be obsessed over, which I now realize after quite some time. I used to get very upset if plans changed (especially last minute), like really upset (not normal upset). It was a lack of control that I was dealing with (within myself), which I now realize was very personal. Before, I would get angry at the other person or at the situation that it would ruin my entire day. I would blame the other person and get in multiple arguments, spending so much time and energy on figuring why the plans had changed. Though, it is one thing when you have to change plans because something comes up, and it’s another when it’s because the other person or persons all of a sudden decide to change their mind (be selfish). Either way, there are many aspects that go into “planning” that I’ve had to teach myself to let go of and to not obsess over, because after all, there's really no point. Because in reality, it's not up to me - I don't have control of the future. Through mindfulness and meditation, I've allowed myself to stay in the present moment, whether it be in the morning or mid-day. Always coming back to where I am and how I feel right then and there - not worrying about what's going to happen.
Moreover, this concept somewhat reminds me of driving and road rage. What used to make me angry, the lack of control and other people getting in the way of my destination. But was it really worth all that stress? How are you going to react if there's traffic or someone cuts you off? Is it worth honking your horn, getting your adrenaline rushing/blood pressure high, leading you into a state of anger? To some people, yes. To others, maybe not so much. Who’s going to get there first or who’s going to find the best route? Isn’t that what we’re all here to find out though (about life)? Are you going to allow others to influence your feelings and thoughts? But what's the aftermath? Further, how are you going to live your life to the "fullest"?
I'll never forget my first panic attack. I was 25 years old, on my way back to the States from Jamaica with my ex-boyfriend. We were trying to make our layover in Miami and American Airlines told us that we had re-check our luggage/go through security again, but we didn't have much time. Once we got out to baggage claim, there were tons of lines, including the longest security line I had ever seen. Right then and there I knew we weren't going to make the next flight. The first thought that came to my mind was, where are we going to sleep? I do not want to sleep in the airport. I could feel my heart beating so fast, I didn't know what to do. For the first time, my mind took over my breath, I couldn't breathe properly and the only thing that I could possibly do at the time was to step away from the line to call my older sister. I started hyperventilating and kind of crying at the same time. Thankfully my sister knew exactly how to calm me down and I could finally breathe normally again. Lo and behold, we ended up sleeping in the airport after-all and it was stressful, but it worked out. I remember being completely shocked by what happened, it really scared me because I didn't think that would ever happen to me. I thought I had complete control over my mind. I didn't ever want to feel that way again, I knew something was wrong. I checked in with myself and came back to my yoga practice, which I had somewhat lost track of due to work, life, whatever the excuse was at the time. And it all now makes sense. To this day, I haven't had another panic attack and I believe it's truly because of my ability to better control my mind, through the practice of meditation and yoga.
Anyhow, back to age and numbers...I don’t know what it is about birthdays, but I usually go out with a bang. This year, I actually felt like I was getting younger, as mentioned above. I think it’s because I’m getting closer to me and who I really am. Society says I should be married with a house and maybe thinking about having kids soon. Being tied down with bills and saving up for financing kids is the last thing on my mind. I know it’s different for everyone, heck, that’s life. I’m just saying that no matter how old you are, you don’t have to be doing anything that you don’t want to do. If you’re in high school or even college and don’t want to go to a party, then don’t go. Don't go just because other people, or society makes you feel like you should, or says that you should. If you’ve been single for a long time and all you want is a boyfriend, really think to yourself if that's truly what you want right now? Have you done everything you’ve ever wanted to do solo, such as traveling and meeting new people, or checking off something on your bucket list that maybe another person might not be in for? Or, if you’ve been in a relationship for a long time, really think to yourself if this is really the person you want to be spending all your time and energy with (because holy smokes, it is freaking PRECIOUS).
Energy is an important topic that I've really come to cultivate since my yoga teacher training. We talked a lot about how much time and effort you spend doing something or thinking about something can really impact your mind, body, and spirit. It’s hard to believe that we as humans, aren’t really aware of how we feel sometimes; mostly because we aren’t taught how. Ask yourself, do you really know how you feel right now? If you don’t know how you truly feel, it’s because you probably aren’t spending enough energy towards yourself and how you feel. Don't beat yourself up either, because society hasn’t easily allowed us to, or provided the resources to be able to practice this from early age. Since it’s such a personal decision, that is, how you spend your energy, you can really see how much time and energy people spend on themselves compared to others (i.e., how connected people are to social media, schedules, plans, television, partying, etc.). How much energy you spend doing something, shows where your thoughts are, which then affects your feelings, which then affects your well-being, because your thoughts are your feelings.
After turning 25, a quarter of a century old, I didn’t feel that old either. I was like really? Already? Now getting closer to 30, my last year to say "in my 20s", I’m like OK, I feel...maybe 23…but then again, maybe that’s how everyone else feels? Or maybe it’s the way it’s going to be the rest of my life - getting older, feeling younger. Either way, I know that my energy, thoughts, and feelings, are going to be focused on me and not towards what society thinks of me (or what I should be doing). It boggles me to think that so many people have it in their heads that there is a “right way” to life…slowly work your way up in that corporate job towards a family with a house and kids. Yes, I know, not everyone thinks this way, or wants this, but it appears most people do, and if someone doesn’t do it that "way", or even want it to be "that" way, or has to get a divorce or quit their job, or whatever happens that gets in the way of the “perfect” journey according to society, is then judged. Why? What's normal to you? Just keep asking yourself that question.
I guess what I’m trying to express, is that I hope more people can open their eyes to what the universe has available to them. I feel like my generation has been gifted with technology and the opportunity to be able to explore more of what previous generations weren’t able to...explore more of what's out there. As a whole, I believe we should use our resources with the energy that comes naturally to us, in order to live the best life we can live. Even though I could go on and on about how social media has completely changed society for worse, I won’t go into that now (maybe another post). But I just want to be clear that personal energy, where you spend your time, comparison, judgement, and thoughts are all so important to notice on a daily basis. The more you think about something, the more it will be apart of you.
Don’t let age, numbers, money, or society get in the way of who you truly are inside. Be the age that you feel and think you are, because that’s all that matters in this life. How YOU feel and who YOU are, is being.